When you think of someone quitting something what do you think? You most likely put these words together; weak, loser, and gave up. All of these words came to my mind when I was thinking of leaving the Johnson and Wales field hockey team. Was I a quitter? That sounded awful in my mind. I’ve always been known to be a hard worker, I never gave up on anything, no matter the challenges I faced. How could I get to the point of quitting something? Why was I so unhappy? What happened to me?
After a hard high senior field hockey season, I was looking forward to a fresh start, and I had high hopes for joining a collegiate team. Heading into preseason at Johnson and Wales, I was in the best shape physically. During the summer, I ran with my twin sister, who is now a collegiate track and cross country runner. I really wanted to be trained well before entering college. However, one thing that I was not happy about was negative self-talk. I constantly was telling myself I didn’t deserve this opportunity. Why did she pick me? I never thought I was good enough to play in college. I barely played in high school, and only could afford to play one year of club. I struggled with comparing myself to others, and the negative self talked consumed my mind.
The racing thoughts in my head would affect so many things, especially my performance for field hockey. Physically, I was struggling with a sleeping disorder, and mentally, I had zero confidence, didn’t believe in myself, and all of the negative thoughts took my passion for field hockey away from me. Field hockey felt like an obligation for me. I’m a collegiate athlete, I have to go to every practice, game, and team dinner. if I missed any of these, I would let everyone down.
“And nothing turns enjoyment into dread faster than obligation.” This a quote from the book What Made Maddy Run. This is exactly how I felt. Field hockey was a fun thing for me, and then it felt like a job, something I was forced to do.
Another quote that I related to a lot from this book was, “Quitting sounded weak. But also delicious and necessary, and I vacillated between desperately wanting to never dribble a basketball also fearing that I was nobody without the sport.” This was a constant thought spinning in my mind. Was I weak for quitting? I could just suck it up and pretend everything was fine. But I was so unhappy, and I was so confused about what to do. In this book, What Made Maddy Run, I really related to Maddy, as she was struggling with wanting to leave the track and cross country team at Penn, but also was struggling with the thought of quitting something.
Another quote from the book I related to was: “I couldn’t even understand, myself, if I was being weak, or if I genuinely needed to leave.” This was the most relatable quote for me from this book. I felt if I decided to quit the team, I was weak, a loser, someone who couldn’t stick to a commitment. I was also really questioning if I needed to leave, or could I try and figure it out. Every day I was constantly struggling with these thoughts. No matter how hard I tried at practice or in a game, my racing thoughts consumed me. I felt trapped.
After the season ended, I suddenly became motivated. I thought that I could change something, and I can just start fresh. I was working out almost every day, practicing my stick skills, and even eating healthier. However, no matter all the positive things I was doing, I still lacked confidence, and the racing negative thoughts were there. It was a constant struggle, and no matter what I did, I was genuinely very unhappy.
I talked to my therapist, my friends, and my family about how I was feeling. However, no matter who I talked to, it was genuinely my decision on what I wanted to do. After a lot of thinking, I decided that the change I needed was to step back from field hockey and put my effort into my mental health. Lots of tears and hard nights came after this decision, after playing field hockey for seven years, it was really hard. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, but ultimately it was the best decision for me.
This quote is one of my personal favorites that I saw on Instagram, “accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be,”
I am so thankful for all of the opportunities that JWU field hockey gave me. I met amazing people, learned so much, and overall became a better person from what I learned and faced. Thank you JWU field hockey.
Media day at JWU.
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