Hi everyone, welcome back to my blog! It's been a while since I’ve sat down and typed up a post. I recently moved into my first apartment with my boyfriend! I also started a full-time job working at a daycare, so I’ve been crazy busy! However, today I wanted to write about a serious topic, knowing the signs of suicide.
Looking back at the time where I was struggling the most, I noticed a lot of things I was doing were signs of suicide. One of the first things I noticed was the feeling of wanting the pain to go away. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. This led me to an excessive amount of sleep. When I was sleeping I didn’t have to deal with my problems and it was like they were all gone. I would sleep all day. At night time, I couldn’t sleep because I was sleeping all day, and I wasn’t tired. This caused me to be diagnosed with insomnia and leading to a sleeping disorder. I was put on 50 milligrams of hydroxide to help me sleep, and I still take it today.
Since I was sleeping so much, I had no energy and little to no motivation at all. Waking up for class was really difficult for me. I would wake up 10 minutes before class and rush to the classroom. Sometimes I would skip class because I had no energy. When it came to field hockey, I had zero energy at practices and games. I was so unmotivated and so unhappy that I was never focused. Working out and playing field hockey was so much for me that I was never motivated to do it.
Having no energy/motivation, also led me to completely isolating myself. I was very antisocial and most of the time I stayed in bed. When everyone was partying on the weekends, most of the time I stayed in. I didn’t want to socialize with anyone and I just wanted to be alone. When the team was doing something, most of the time I didn’t go. I knew that I should have gone because it was my team and I didn’t want to let them down, but I also didn’t want to go out. Nobody knew I was struggling because I just kept it all inside. Looking back now, I wish I told my teammates how I felt. They had no idea I was struggling so much.
Looking back, I also realized how unhealthy I was with food. I never wanted to go to the dining hall because I didn’t want to interact with people. Most of the time I just eat snacks in my dorm room. I rarely ever used my meal plan. I had a really hard time gaining weight in college, and I always thought it was just because I have a fast metabolism. However, looking back on it now, I didn’t eat enough. I wasn’t seeing any progress with lifting weights, and it’s because I didn’t eat enough calories per day. The idea of eating in the dining hall or in the Starbucks on campus was scary for me. I just wanted to be alone all the time.
The feeling of wanting to be alone all time was a rollercoaster, but it felt like it was always going down, never up. The day I hurt myself, I wanted to feel nothing anymore. I was so unhappy, lonely, and depressed. I thought it was the only way to numb the pain. That day sitting in my dorm room bathroom was the darkest and most painful experience I have ever felt in my life. I remember my family rushing down to see me. I didn’t want to see anyone. I just wanted to feel nothing. I didn’t want anyone comforting me. Being alone was the only thing I wanted.
At the time, I never thought anything would get better. But, boy was I wrong. After starting therapy and being on medication, I started to love myself again. A few months later I met the love of my life, and now we live in our own apartment together. I also decided to transfer schools and completely change my major. I now work my dream job, working in a daycare with babies. Looking back, I’m so happy I decided to get help. Now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! It may sound cliché, but things really do get better over time.
These are some signs of suicide that are very common.
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